Preparing to Make Amends:
A member’s experience, strength and hope
When I first came into CoDA, the idea of making amends terrified me. I thought it meant I had to throw myself at people’s feet, apologise for everything I’d ever done, and accept blame for the past. That didn’t feel fair, and it certainly didn’t feel safe. What I’ve learned through the programme is that amends are not about self-punishment or grovelling. They are about living honestly and with integrity, guided by a Higher Power, rather than by my old patterns of shame and fear.
Preparing to make amends has been as important as the actual conversations. For me, the preparation starts with prayer and Step work. When I sit with my sponsor and talk through the people on my list, I begin to see more clearly where I was driven by codependency: rescuing, controlling, avoiding, or clinging. I can see the damage those behaviours caused, sometimes to others, often to myself. Naming these patterns gives me clarity. Without that clarity, I would simply repeat old dynamics when I approached people.
Another part of preparation has been letting go of outcomes. In the past, I wanted people to forgive me, to like me again, to restore a relationship. Today, I remind myself that making amends is not about getting something back. It’s about cleaning up my side of the street. Some people may not want to hear from me, and that’s okay. My job is to be willing, not to force the timing or the response.
Sometimes the amends I need to make are living amends, changes in behaviour rather than spoken words. For example, with my children, it would not be helpful to sit them down and unload years of apologies. What they need from me is consistency, honesty, and boundaries. When I say no, I try to say it calmly and mean it. When I say yes, I show up. That is an ongoing amend, and it takes practice every day.
I’ve also learned to check my motives before reaching out. Am I doing this to ease my guilt, or to truly acknowledge harm done? Am I secretly hoping this person will praise me for my recovery work? If so, I pause. The Steps have taught me that amends must come from humility, not from self-seeking.
The hope I hold today is that each amend, whether spoken or lived, brings me closer to freedom. It doesn’t erase the past, but it loosens the chains of shame and resentment that kept me stuck. I feel lighter when I own my part, and I can stand more firmly in who I am becoming.
For anyone approaching this Step, my encouragement is take your time. Prepare with your sponsor, pray for willingness, and trust your Higher Power with the outcome. You are not alone in this process. Each amend is an act of courage, and each step is a step toward serenity.
T.
